Lagniappe: Can It With Your Cholesterol Bullsh*t & Eat Some Eggs

Occasionally I'm going to blog about eating good food. Not food that just TASTES good, but is actually good FOR you. I'm fascinated with it and studied nutrition for a few years, but I am FAR from being an expert. I've just learned a few things over the years that help me to make healthier choices, because knowledge is power and NO ONE IS TEACHING US ABOUT FOOD. Nutrition and health classes (REAL health classes, not this condom-on-the-banana horsefeathers) are not mandatory in schools, and our parents' generation didn't have a tenth of the research and data on food and health that we do now, so where the hell else are you gonna learn it? RIGHT HERE KIDS.

I'm working on a blog entry about how to choose the correct cooking oil for whatever it is you're chilling with in the kitchen (and I wish I could fry the borderline-manic Rachel Ray in EVOO for the pusher than she is) but tonight, I'm talking about eggs. Incredible Edible Eggs. Those things that make you think "Who in the hell was the first person to see a chicken poop one of these things out and think 'Hey, I bet this shit's delicious!'?" Because, nothing will make me go from zero to Healthy Hulk faster than someone complaining "Oh I can't eat eggs because they're bad for my cholesterol."


Your cholesterol is shitty because you eat triple fried chicken with a side of Crisco, not because of a couple of eggs. Get outta here with that nonsense.

I'm trying not to blame you for your ignorance, but I really want to shake you. Eggs have gotten a bad rap for YEARS and still do because smart, intelligent doctors are still drinking the same Kool Aid as everyone else. (Even the Mayo Clinic is still preaching this bullcrap on their website.) Did you know that the majority of medical school graduates receive 25 hours or less of nutrition education? When...

Hey, it isn't really their fault and I'm not slamming doctors. If they wanted to learn more about nutrition they'd have to do it on their own time and I don't know if you know any doctors but there is no such thing as your own time. Those residency schedules are cray. It's simply more an indictment of the general American culture that STILL does not understand what is displayed so nicely in that cute little poster above--what you put into your body is what you get out, and it's a complex dance that requires a bit of knowledge to make fun and life worth living.


Anyway, back to eggs.

Here's the thing: there are two types of cholesterol: dietary cholesterol and blood cholesterol. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING. It's the same WORD, but it's not the same thing. The type of cholesterol that is in eggs (primarily in the yolks) is not the same thing as the stuff that's coursing through your blood and building up in your arteries and can cause heart attacks. Trust me, I eat about two eggs every day and my cholesterol is lower than my bank account on the Thursday before payday, that is to say, practically nonexistent.

ASK MEN, of all damn places, has a fantastic article about it here. Go read it, because I've had three drinks already tonight and I am not typing all that out here for you.

You're back? Good. So we've established that eggs have very very very little to do with the bad cholesterol in your blood; they are FULL of essential vitamins, minerals and amino acids; and they're a fantastic source of complete protein that will keep you full and fueled without resorting to snacking on weak weight-gaining crap. Any more arguments?

Oh, I have one more: organic eggs.

I swear I'm not one of those health freaks that's going to bind you up with hemp rope in the kitchen (although that sounds kinda fun on a totally different level) and force feed wheatgrass down your throat. However, I'm also not an idiot--one day, cook yourself a regular cheap egg and an organic egg (which is probably cage free, hormone free and antibiotic free, too) and you can immediately see the difference. For one, the shells of the organic eggs are usually stronger instead of being weak and practically see-through. Why? Because the chickens making those spheres of deliciousness aren't pumped full of disgusting toxic medication, sick and dying of oozing festering infections, and sure to wind up ground up in your McNuggets shortly. You'll also notice the yolks are a more vibrant color and actually taste of something! Plus, you know, you won't be second-hand poisoning yourself with all the non-human-grade toxins, antibiotics, vaccines and shitty food that "they" put into those poor chickens. You are what you eat, fools, and you are what your food eats, too.

Don't sit here and use the argument that organic eggs are too expensive. Look I'm piss-poor too, but a dozen organic eggs costs me $4.69 which works out to be 39 cents per egg. Are you really going to bitch about spending 80 cents for breakfast?

Sidebar: I've heard there's such a thing as low-cholesterol eggs. That freaks me out. How are they controlling how much cholesterol is in an egg? That is freakin' weird and you shouldn't touch it because it doesn't make sense. Just give me a fresh egg from the butt of a healthy non-spastic chicken and I'm a happy gal. 

Eggs aren't just for breakfast either. For a busy single chick like me, they're the perfect hot and fast thing to cook up for dinner, and Lord knows I like hot and fast. I made a sandwich for dinner the other night that consisted of two pieces of wheat toast topped with sliced tomatoes, avocado, shredded cheddar cheese and one fried egg, sunny side up--and it was, in a word, DELICIOUS. As I always say...sometimes, truly simple is just delicious.

Vitamins, minerals and amino acids are served, y'all.
Posted on September 14, 2013 .