Lagniappe: 18 Thanksgiving Cooking Fails

Just in time for Thanksgiving!

I'm writing this kind of rambling non-post today because I've eaten way too much sugar and can't focus on ANYTHING, so here's a randomly compiled list of all the cooking type moments that will make you want to *headdesk* this Thanksgiving, except we're in a kitchen and not the office so it's more like a *headcounter* but that just doesn't sound as nice as banging your head into an inanimate object is, anyway.


1. When required to sift flour or confectioner's sugar. YEY! It's snowing on my counter! Let's make sure this goes EVERYWHERE EXCEPT IN THE BOWL!

2. When required to "soften butter" but you were too busy to plan ahead and now you have two cold hard sticks of butter and no time. You consider just sticking them down your top because you are drunk, but then decide against it when faced with howls of judgement from your friends. Who are not helping. Commence second-by-second battle with the microwave to get butter softened to the "right" kind of soft.

3. When you place a spoon or ladle into the sink and then turn the tap on. SPOON BETRAYAL! Dirty dish water everywhere, including in your eyes! WHY SPOON WHY!

4. When you have to truss the turkey. Trussing? What is trussing? Sounds like an extremely fussy form of torture. It involves string and seventeen types of sailor's knots? Ugh. No. (No, but really.)

5. When you have to season the inside cavity of the turkey with salt and pepper. Someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to do this with only two hands. One hand to hold the turkey up so I can peer down its butt, the other hand to shake the seasonings into the cavity (LOL IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO USE A PEPPER GRINDER) and the...extra...hand to rub them in/make sure they're evenly distributed inside that skin-cave. Seriously, PLEASE someone explain to me how I'm expected to do this without getting raw chicken grease all over the seasoning containers!

6. When you're instructed to brine the turkey. Brining, are you kidding me? I have to go to Home Depot and buy a 5 gallon bucket specifically for the purpose of giving this turkey a salt/spice bath the day before? Get out.

7. When you have to diced up vegetables of all shapes into symmetrical, even, square pieces for roasting. I failed geometry in high school so it's no wonder I have no idea how to make a wobbly-oval sweet potato into perfect squares. Oval > square.

8. When you have to peel the skin off onions. OH MY GOD WHY WON'T THIS INTERMINABLE TASK END??? Because of course you need only about 9 onions, for everything.

9. When your gravy won't thicken properly, and so you keep adding more and more flour/water mixture to it, and nothing and nothing and nothing and then BAM! Suddenly, sludge. Dammit, gravy, get it together.

10. When someone asks you if what you're preparing for them to stuff their faces with for free is gluten-free/vegetarian/GMO-free/vegan/paleo/dairy-free. (Without advanced notice or bringing their own food.) The only freedom we have here is for me to drink as much as I like and for you to shush.

11. Injuries. Oh, the injuries. If there is ever a year I don't peel off my top layer of hand skin with a vegetable peeler, nick a fingernail with a knife, burn my wrists on the top rack of the oven or scorch some part of my body with steam...then I guess that's a year I'm not cooking.

12. When you have to spoon cupcake batter into tins evenly. It only requires one ice cream scoop (fail), two large spoons (I will never get that time of my life back) or a large ziploc bag with a hole cut in the corner (get out). Ugh. Cake. You're all getting cake. One large cake.

13. Forgetting to set the timer. Don't think you can just "keep track" in your head, either, because as we all know, 5 minutes when you're sober and 5 minutes when you' definitely not the same amount of *actual* time. (Sidebar: I once got really drunk at a bar with some friends and said I was just going to lay my head down on the table for five minutes. I woke up in a very different place five minutes later, extremely confused, to my friend saying "Yeah that was two hours ago. And in a different state.") Protip: Use your iPhone, just don't drop it in the mashed potatoes.

14. When you put butter into mashed potatoes but then can't taste it in the final product. What HAPPENED to that entire stick (or two, no shame here) I put in there?! Where did it GO? Too many questions.

15. When you run out of wine, attempting to put an end to the aforementioned questions.

16. When you have to clean up. Except there's no way in hell I'm doing that--that's what YOU are here for. Yes, you. "Guests." Chop chop.

17. When the smoke detector goes off, even though nothing is even REMOTELY smoking, except me, because I am smoking hot. Ba-dum-bump!

Fan me, peasant, I am hot.

18. When you're expected to cook breakfast the next day. WHAT EVEN.

But at the end of the is fun! Wherever it happens to land in your list of priorities...

I'm headed off for holidays for about 10 days here and likely will not be blogging much unless my company is extremely, extremely boring--or I am left to my own devices without supervision for too long. Most people learn not to allow this, though.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted on November 20, 2013 .